(A satire.)
Max Grinstein
Contributing Author, The Buckley Beacon
In December, the Sumud Coalition passed a student referendum campaign seeking, among other things, for Yale to divest from weapons manufacturers, “including those arming Israel.” Among the student groups that endorsed Sumud’s campaign was Yale’s very own Dungeons and Dragons club.
In response, The Buckley Beacon began a multi-month investigation to learn more about the link between fantasy role playing games and divesting from Lockheed Martin. Below are the minutes of the Dungeons and Dragons club’s November meeting, as leaked to The Beacon.
A. Call to Order
The regular meeting of the Yale Dungeons and Dragons was called to order at 7:00 p.m. on Sunday, November 3. Due to a scheduling conflict, the meeting was unable to take place in its usual venue in Linsly-Chittenden Hall. The meeting was instead convened in Fred the Impaler’s mom’s basement in Hamden.
B. Roll Call
Roll call was completed by the Club’s president, Eldrin the Elf Slayer. Also in attendance were club members Barbara the Barbarian, Sir Togar of Milford, Eugene the Unstoppable, Fast-footed Francis, and Fred the Impaler. A quorum of voting members was confirmed.
C. Welcome and Introduction
Eldrin the Elf Slayer welcomed members in attendance and congratulated them on completing several successful initiatives since their last meeting, including welcoming first years at the annual Extracurricular Bazaar on Beinecke Plaza, co-hosting the annual Eli-Con comic book convention, and initiating one conversation with a member of the opposite sex.
Mr. Elf Slayer also briefed members on their main task for the day: Determining the club’s position on the Sumud Coalition’s “Books, Not Bombs” referendum.
D. General Business
Eldrin the Elf Slayer opened the floor for club members to share their perspectives on the upcoming referendum. A hush went out across the basement, followed by a rush among members to be recognized by Mr. Elf Slayer to speak.
Fred the Impaler spoke first, urging the club to release a statement in support of the referendum. While polishing his +1 Sword of Smiting, Mr. Impaler urged club participants to do all they could to stop the violence. He also reminded members that they must rise to meet the moment, insofar as all of Yale was holding its breath as to what position the D&D club would take on the referendum.
Eugene the Unstoppable agreed. He argued that student tuition should not be spent supporting corporations that enable conflicts like Israel’s war in Gaza or the Rashemen Confederation’s conquest of the Border Realms.
Barbara the Barbarian further concurred, adding that Yale’s longstanding policy of keeping its endowment investments confidential limits student oversight. Ms. Barbarian shared that she personally plans to vote “yes” on divestment in light of both her objections to the war in Gaza and the fact that her character was dating the Vice President of Druid Voices for Peace.
Eugene the Unstoppable expressed reservations about the club staking out positions on issues totally unrelated to its main focus: Dungeons and Dragons. Mr. Unstoppable noted that club members held diverging opinions on the referendum; any statement endorsing one position, he feared, might come across as a dishonest signal of unanimity.
Several club members interrupted Mr. Unstoppable in dissent. Eldrin the Elf Slayer gaveled the meeting back to order.
Eldrin the Elf Slayer once again recognized Mr. Unstoppable to speak. Following his earlier points, Mr. Unstoppable questioned if the club is really best situated to comment on the complex politics of the Middle East. Eldrin the Elf Slayer responded that the referendum does, in fact, fall within the club’s purview. He reminded members that the club spent half of its last meeting debating whether or not the Eye of Sauron supports a progressive income tax.
Sir Togar of Milford corrected Mr. Elf Slayer, noting that the tax debate was about Middle Earth, not Middle Eastern, politics.
Eldrin the Elf Slayer concluded the debate and opened the issue for a vote. By a vote of 4-2 with no abstentions, the club decided to endorse the Sumud Coalition’s referendum. Mr. Elf Slayer noted that the club’s name and logo were now authorized to appear in Sumud fliers and social media posts.
E. Public Comment
No comments were received from members of the public. (This is not unusual, given that no comments have ever been received from members of the public.)
F. Adjournment
The meeting was interrupted by Fred the Impaler’s mom, who told members that she needed her basement free to do the laundry. Members acknowledged Mr. Impaler’s mom and thanked her for the cookies she provided.
Sir Togar of Milford offered a motion for adjournment. Barbara the Barbarian seconded Sir Togar’s motion. Having moved the world one major step closer towards peace in the Middle East, Eldrin the Elf Slayer gaveled the meeting of the Yale Dungeons and Dragons Club to a close at 8:33 p.m. to raucous applause from members.